The Hammpaign was an event that went down in our high school history, and tales of it are still retold to the incoming freshman every year to this day...

Alright, so that's total malarky, but it was still pretty fun. Back in 1999, Spring Semester at Millard North High School in our hometown, Hamm and I both had second period open. This, of course, was almost entirely useless, since you couldn't use it to sleep in, you couldn't use it to leave early, and there wasn't enough time there to go get yourself some breakfast. So we made due, like everyone else, by chilling out in the commons. We were joined most everyday by Crystal and Adrieene, who always at least feigned interest in our zany hijinks. Occasionally we saw a Larry or a Dave, but those days were few and far between.

About this time of year, it came time for Junior and Senior Class School Board elections, which were dressed up as something vital to the school's continued survival - and thusly the walls were papered with campaign posters. ...I'm sure you know where this is going.

Hamm and I were just hanging out in our usual way - I was drawing (I did that a lot back then) and Hamm was writing whatever silly thought came to his head in chickenscratch on one of the many memo pads he carried with him.

It was at this point that Hamm looked up, took a brief glance around at the various posters everywhere and exclaimed "Y'know... not enough people run on the Monkey Platform." Normally, that kind of exclaimation would seem odd, but after a few years of knowing Hamm, you get over the shock and alarm.

Somehow, this immediately prompted the next thought. "I should run on the Monkey Platform." Now of course, being seniors, we could in no way participate in the elections, since we'd (ideally) be gone by the end of the semester. But Hamm wasn't about to take no for an answer -- and I was conscripted to build his campaign poster.

And what better place to start than the Monkey Platform? So I nabbed a piece of notebook paper and doodled out Hamm's glorious debut on the political scene:

It certainly wasn't enough to run for JCB. Not even SCB could keep this governmental guru from making his stance known. The MAN was not about to keep HAMM down! Hamm made sure that everyone knew that he was eligible for JCB, SCB, PCP, RSVP, ASAP, ROTC, NAACP, ACLU, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, and D.A.R.E. As a matter of fact, he made his intention clear that he would run for any office set before him!

But the original poster (done in pencil) lacked color and presence, so we managed to get a set of markers from Adrieene, whose backpack was like a school supplies emergency kit. And an emergency it was! Of course, at this point, Hamm had gotten me psyched about the process, so we garnered as much loose change as we could and headed to the copy machine. A few dollars later, we had a stack of paper and a roll of tape we pilfered from somewhere, and we went about redecorating the school.

Back in the commons area, Hamm quickly decided that one platform was not nearly enough. He should have stances on further issues, or else his campaign would never get off the ground. And what's something everyone can support? That's right, the Environment.

It was time for Hamm to make known his stance on environmental issues!

Hamm needed to make sure he secured those seats in NATO, MENSA, NOW, MADD, TLC, GLSEN, and the YWCA. He encouraged the average joe to support Hamm for whatever position they deemed him worthy! And deem they would.... Deem they would...

Now that he could be certain of the Liberal vote, he needed something to grab the attention of those more Conservative students. There was no doubt in his mind how to make his presence most felt for the right-wing.

That's right, Herr Stalin! Hamm won't put up with none of your shit! Keep your "five-year-plan" and your fascist dictatorship out of OUR school! Of course, we knew that this kind of stance might rub our local fascist dictator, Linda, the wrong way. But let me tell you, it's pretty difficult to imagine that rubbing Linda any way was "a good way".

Hamm had to be absolutely certain he got the positions with PCV, PVC, UJ, FoMoCo, TRW, DSS, SDDS, STD, THX, and Mr. T. That last one was imperative to anti-Communist success! Move over, McCarthy, Hamm's in town and he pities da foo' that don't vote for 'im.

Certainly, treading on the toes of Communists and Eco-Villains was dangerous business, even if they DID support the Monkey Platform. So Hamm needed a way to really unify the student body under a single banner. And that banner, was the blinding hatred of government.

With carbon monoxide scares and the threat of video-game-related-school-shootings on the rise, all that Red Tape was prevent the current holders of office from making any effectual change. Hamm was gonna turn this bus around and take it right over a cliff if he had to.

Now you'd think with both left and right wing students squared away, he'd be home free, but that Hamm, he's always thinking. What about the students that don't tether themselves to a political faction like a puppy on a leash? Y'know, the Satanists? Certainly, they needed something to cling to as well! And Hamm was ready to do that - as their Fiendish Overlord.

Everyone's soul goes somewhere, and even if yours is pledged to another Savior, the least you can do is vote for Hamm.

Over the next few days, we designed the new posters, ran copies, and spent all hour taping them up over his worthless opposition. We would make it known that Hamm wasn't about to let them say their minds, no sir!

Each day we came in, we found less and less of our posters! The Man (Linda, who may or may not have ACTUALLY been a Man) was trying to hold Hamm down, keep Hamm from taking his rightful place at the Throne of Mankind. So we fought fire with... um... water. We put up more and more posters, until we could barely keep up.

In the end, Hamm was shut out for every office he ran for, and we tasted bitter defeat at the hands of some SOPHOMORE or JUNIOR. It was a dark day, and there was none to blame but Mother Russia herself... Linda.

But there was a silver lining to this stormcloud. Little did we know that it was not the administration, but Hamm's own adoring public that was removing the posters! They adorned backpacks and were collected in notebooks by his devoted followers. Wishing to have Hamm closer to them at all times, they were collecting his depictions, inevitably to enshire somewhere at home, perhaps near their bed or dinner table, so that Hamm might watch them from afar and keep them safe from the forces of Dr. Blight, Hoggish Greedly, and Mao Zedong.

In the end, the battle was lost - but the war for the hearts of Millard North was won.